


You are like music in my ears

by KweenKevin



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Also a little shit, Also andriel will come, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety, Around! I meant they will also be mentioned!!, Bad Days, How Do I Tag, I am super mean, I found out that I am really mean to my babies, I swear that KevinxThea will come up!, JEAN AND KEVIN ARE FRIENDS, Jean Is A Little Shit, Jeremy is a sweetheart, Jeremy is captain sunshine, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Oc Louka Roux, There was this weird thing I wrote and it became this, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Why Did I Write This?, Writing, how the hell am I gonna write the other trojans? Just ignore them as long as possible, keeeeeeevin, like why??!?!!?, they both have self harm scars, why did I write this??!!?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2019-07-15 14:32:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 12,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16065122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KweenKevin/pseuds/KweenKevin
Summary: Jeremy sang a lot. Some days he thought how annoying it must be for his soulmate. Some days his thoughts stopped there. Some days that thought was followed up by the thought that probably, there was no one at the other side of his lineJean and the sun did not go together. He didn't brown or burn, he just felt as if he was melting....In all the darkness that was jean, he finally found something light. Jeremy was a sun, and for once jean thought that maybe, maybe, jean could learn getting along with it. Because he felt like his heart was finally melting.





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> So this is gonna be very shitty (this is my first fic ever) but who cares? Not as if someone is gonna read it tho. I've been sitting on this idea for months and I finally wrote something! Yay me

Jeremy has been waiting since his 13th birthday. His sister got hers the day she turned 13, his brothers too. Everyone did. Except him. At first he thought he was to restless to notice the song. Or that his soulmate just didn't sing. But with the years, the hope for a song being stuck in his head went away. By the time he was 16 he stopped wishing and told himself that it didn't matter. The only problem was that it did. So he did the only thing his head could come up with. He started playing exy. Not just playing, living. He was always at the court and when he wasn't, he was studying other games. He tried to convince himself that he didn't have a soulmate, but he knew that that wasn't possible. In his junior year at USC, he became captain of the Trojans. He trained hard but he enjoyed it. Every second. Except for his birthday. That was the only day he locked himself in his room, and tried to tell himself that it would be the start of a new year, that this year he finally was gonna start hearing a song. And like every year, disappointed, he went to sleep without hearing anything. This year was gonna be different. He just knew it. After his stunt at championships, the Trojans lost a lot of fans. So he was gonna win them back. And maybe his soulmate too. If he had one that is.

-

"Jeremy, I have a backliner for you. It is for you to decide if you want him." Jeremy looked from the papers to Kevin's serious face. "You're kidding right? Jean Moreau? What made Riko give him up?" Kevin sighed and explained how Renee saved him from Riko's hand and how the Trojans are the best place for him right now. Jeremy wanted ask Kevin a lot of things, like why and how and where he was at the moment, but all he could say was:" But you... You shared a room with Riko." Kevin's breath hitched and Jeremy hated himself for talking. He opened his mouth to apologize but Kevin was faster:" Yes, I did. And he did horrible things, but I left Jean there. And I'll never forgive myself for that. But this is not about me, this is about Jean. Can you add him to your team?" Jeremy did not have to think about it for another second. His mother always told him to save whomever he could, so he would. Plus, if he had Jean, he had another reason to not think about his soulmate. That's how he survived this far, distraction after distraction, just telling himself he'll think about it after he was done. He was never done. Jeremy noticed that Kevin started to look disappointed and was reminded that he needed to answer. "Of course! The more, the merrier!" Kevin let out a long breath and handed him the rest of the papers. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the foxes were watching him. Jeremy slung an arm around Kevin and walked back to Kevin's team. He gave Kevin a big hug and wished them luck, before running off to a worried Alvarez.

-

The match was horrible and Jeremy was not sure if he really needed a distraction because he felt as if he was gonna die in 2 days. After everyone had showered and felt a bit more alive, they all headed towards the dorms to party. The Trojans slept with four in one dorm. In each dorm there were two bedrooms with both two beds, they had a little kitchen and every dorm had 4 bureaus. Jeremy shared one with Laila and Sara, his two best friends. His dorm was the only one with three people so Jean would probably stay with him. But that was for later to think about. They drank and played games and around 3 A.M. Jeremy pushed everyone out of his dorm to go to sleep. He couldn't. He lay awake thinking about Kevin and Jean and Riko and everything he should nót think about. He could swear he just closed his eyes when his alarm went off. Today would be the day he needed to contact Jean for the first time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean get's rescued from the nest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this is really bad and short. Sorry fot taking so long to update, ao3 wasn't working... also sorry for t he grammer mistakes.

Jean was a lot of things, and the one thing on top of that list was an actor. Or he thought he was so. He couldn't remember ever being an other person but he knew that this wasn't the person he really was. Not that he cared. He gave up caring a long time ago. Just like, hope, laughing, smiling, happiness. He stopped doing those things the second he walked into the nest for the first time. Not that anyone else cared. Now there was darkness and only that. That was until the angel Renee Walker walked in the nest, with her reporter mom on the phone and Edgar Allen's own president, and demanded to leave with Jean. The first time he saw her, a girl with pastel colored hair and a smile to lit the darkness in him, he saw her light up a little spark in him, and even though he cursed himself plenty for it, it never stopped burning. So that morning he stepped out of the nest, damaged and unable to walk. If he would be able to walk, he would already be returning. But Renee held onto him, carried him to her car, and drove away. Far away. Only when they passed the palmetto sign, he started talking:" No. Take me back. I cannot be here." Renee kept her eyes firmly on the road:" No Jean, you can. Don't tell me about Riko because you saw what happened to Kevin, and you saw that we kept him. You know what happened to Neil and you know we kept him. Riko cannot touch you here, and if he tries, he'll have to get through 9 foxes and their coach first." Jean could tell her a thousand reason why that wouldn't be enough, but he did not have the energy. They stopped at a house, and it took Jean a few minutes before he realized he was trembling. He never went anywhere without another raven, usually Riko, by his side. But he wasn't alone. With Renee's help he walked up to the door and waited while Renee opened the door. He wasn't sure he wanted to be at a place where they keep the door unlocked, but even a locked door won't stop Riko so he walked inside without giving it a second thought. He stopped in front of a older looking man, probably the foxes' coach, and stared at him. He stared back. Belatedly, he realized everyone was staring at him. Renee, the coach and another woman Jean thought was the team's nurse, shared a look before the coach mumbled under his breath:" dammit, I'll kill Riko myself if that's what it takes to get him to stop hurting other star players." He then turned to the team's nurse:" can you take care of this kid? And get him some sun, he looks like a vampire." The woman nodded. "Thanks abby," he then proceeded to turn to Renee," We need to have a talk." Renee followed him into another room, while abby took Jean with her to a room. She sat down on the bed and he followed suit. She worked on his face and body for almost an hour, but when she was finally done she only said:" Thank you for not staying there and coming with Renee." He didn't know how he should react. Before he could think of something intelligent to say, she walked out of the room and left. He looked around the room. It was a plain room, white walls, a bed and a closet, and a window. His gaze lingered on the latter. A window. It was a simple, little window, but it was a window. He could see the sky. He did not believe this was real, but in the second that his eyes first saw that clear blue sky, he found himself wishing it was. He knew it couldn't, nothing good ever came to him. And even if it did, Riko will be luring around the corner to steal it away from him. That night, he fell asleep immediately, his day had been both physically and mentally exhausting. He dreamt, for the first time in what seemed like forever. He dreamt about darkness and pain but if he paid attention, he could faintly hear a song.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that my updates take time, ao3 won't lemme post

When Jeremy finally called Jean, at the end of the day, he dialed the wrong number 3 times, stumbled 5 times while pacing the room, and almost broke a leg. Jeremy was about to give up, when the ex-raven finally picked up. "Hey, I'm Jeremy Knox, The USC Trojans' captain and striker, am I speaking to Jean Moreau?" It took a while for the person on the other side to answered, but when he did, it was a wince and a silent yes. Jeremy waited a second before continuing, but when nothing came, he explained, "Hi, so, Kevin told me yesterday that you would be interested to play for us?" He barely managed to say one phrase without stumbling, and he cursed his anxiety for telling him he was ruining everything. "Umh, yes.", said Jean. Jeremy was taken aback when he heard the pain and hatred in the other guy's voice. He told himself that it wasn't directed at him, but at Riko and the ravens and the nest. He put on his cheeriest tone and went on, "Okay, great! So, Rhemann looked at it today, and said it should be possible to convince Evermore to release you, and then you should be able to come over as fast as possible. I'll keep you up to dated!" His only response was a cold 'okay' then nothing. After a minute he looked at his phone, only to see that Jean had hung up on him. He sighed. He could do this, but no matter what he told himself, there was still a part of him that told him he was a failure, a broken person, someone not allowed to live. There was a part of himself that told him that he couldn't do anything right, and that he just messed up their chance to have Jean Moreau on their line up. That part would never leave, but he knew he had nothing to complain about. There were people like Kevin and Jean out there, people who's live was far worse than that of the captain of the Trojans. He flopped down on his bed and tried to sleep, but after an hour he gave up and went for a walk. 

-

With the schoolyear coming to an end, time flew by. The team was preparing for finals and were even more excited so Jeremy had his hands full. Laila and Alvarez made him come to coffeedates as a 'studybreak' (of four hours). He liked being around them so he just went along with it. Without him noticing it, it was already a week before Jean's arrival. It was the day before Jean landed in LAX, when Rhemann called him to remind him about it. The rest of the day Jeremy spent worrying. He was running in and out his dorm to get groceries Jean might like or to go get him a welcome-gift or to do something else. By the end of the day he was so exhausted that he skipped practise for once. Alvarez could handle the team herself. He went to bed early, but sleep wouldn't come to him. For the second time in a few months, he lay awake thinking about anything and everything he ever did wrong and how he is a mistake. By the time he woke he was already an hour to late to get Jean.


	4. Chapter 4

_Don't freak, he's probably just late._ Jean has been sitting already half an hour outside LAX waiting for Jeremy. _Or he decided he didn't want you after all and left you here._ Jean's anxiety is worse in places like this. Full of people. It got worse when a mom with 3 kids, apparently huge raven fans, spotted him. The kids practically jumped him to give him hugs and ask him for pictures and signatures, while the mom just started typing away on her phone, happy that her kids were bothering someone else. After another hour, he was already thinking about different ways to tell Renee Jeremy rejected him and that he needed to go back to the ravens. _Were you belong._ Riko's ghost hang over him like a dark cloud. The second he heard Riko was dead, his anxiety became worst and he's been spooked ever since. He wondered if Kevin also felt like that. _Go, get up and go back to the ravens. Go back 'home'._ He was getting up when the door flung open. At first he saw nothing. The man who just stormed trough the doors was tall, though not as tall as jean, and handsome, but most of all blinding. He looked like the sun and jean had a feeling that if he stared to long, he would go blind. The man started walking towards him with a deep sigh, and only then did Jean recognize Jeremy Knox, the captain of the USC Trojans. His captain. _You'll fuck this up._ _Him being here doesn't mean he wants you. He'll kick you out as soon as possible._ But then he spoke, and jean had a weird feeling. "Hi! You're Jean moreau right? I am not talking to a really obsessed fan right?", said Jeremy. Jean recognized his voice from somewhere, somewhere else than games. He didn't like it. It took Jeremy only a few seconds before he accepted that Jean wasn't going to answer him, so he continued, with his trade mark smile plastered on his face:" I'm so so so so sorry for being late, I really am." Jean thought he saw doubt cross over the other man's face. But in a blink of an eye, it was gone and jeremy went on. "Uhm, my car is outside, we can head to the campus if you want? We can also go get something to eat if you want? The choice is yours." Jean blinked. The words echoed in his head. 'The choice is yours'. _You don't have a choice, dumbass._ Jean stared at Jeremy. He studied his face. He had blond hair, and almost black eyes. Jean's gaze lingered on those eyes. They seemed endless and deep but also dark as a night sky, were you could stare up at stars for hours and forget the world. Dark as if it was giving you an opportunity to be yourself without anyone noticing it. He had no idea what to answer to Jeremy's question, because he never had a choice. _You still don't._ He just stared at Jeremy until Jeremy started talking again, and leading them to his car. Jeremy had a little yellow car, with the trojans logo on one of his doors. Jean slipped into the passenger seat, and remained silent for the whole trip.


	5. Chapter 5

_Don't freak, he's probably just late._ Jean has been sitting already half an hour outside LAX waiting for Jeremy. _Or he decided he didn't want you after all and left you here._ Jean's anxiety is worse in places like this. Full of people. It got worse when a mom with 3 kids, apparently huge raven fans, spotted him. The kids practically jumped him to give him hugs and ask him for pictures and signatures, while the mom just started typing away on her phone, happy that her kids were bothering someone else. After another hour, he was already thinking about different ways to tell Renee Jeremy rejected him and that he needed to go back to the ravens. _Were you belong._ Riko's ghost hang over him like a dark cloud. The second he heard Riko was dead, his anxiety became worst and he's been spooked ever since. He wondered if Kevin also felt like that. _Go, get up and go back to the ravens. Go back 'home'._ He was getting up when the door flung open. At first he saw nothing. The man who just stormed trough the doors was tall, though not as tall as jean, and handsome, but most of all blinding. He looked like the sun and jean had a feeling that if he stared to long, he would go blind. The man started walking towards him with a deep sigh, and only then did Jean recognize Jeremy Knox, the captain of the USC Trojans. His captain. _You'll fuck this up._ _Him being here doesn't mean he wants you. He'll kick you out as soon as possible._ But then he spoke, and jean had a weird feeling. "Hi! You're Jean moreau right? I am not talking to a really obsessed fan right?", said Jeremy. Jean recognized his voice from somewhere, somewhere else than games. He didn't like it. It took Jeremy only a few seconds before he accepted that Jean wasn't going to answer him, so he continued, with his trade mark smile plastered on his face:" I'm so so so so sorry for being late, I really am." Jean thought he saw doubt cross over the other man's face. But in a blink of an eye, it was gone and jeremy went on. "Uhm, my car is outside, we can head to the campus if you want? We can also go get something to eat if you want? The choice is yours." Jean blinked. The words echoed in his head. 'The choice is yours'. _You don't have a choice, dumbass._ Jean stared at Jeremy. He studied his face. He had blond hair, and almost black eyes. Jean's gaze lingered on those eyes. They seemed endless and deep but also dark as a night sky, were you could stare up at stars for hours and forget the world. Dark as if it was giving you an opportunity to be yourself without anyone noticing it. He had no idea what to answer to Jeremy's question, because he never had a choice. _You still don't._ He just stared at Jeremy until Jeremy started talking again, and leading them to his car. Jeremy had a little yellow car, with the trojans logo on one of his doors. Jean slipped into the passenger seat, and remained silent for the whole trip.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, once again sry for having short chapters

Jeremy was sure he screwed up. The first sign was jean not greeting him. Then jean continued to ignore Jeremy's questions. And then he kept still the whole ride. Jup, Jeremy screwed up. But he was not going to think about that right now. The formal Raven sat in front of him, at a little diner close to USC. The first thing Jeremy noticed was the pain. Jean's whole body was covered in scars, but the worse was his eyes. Jeremy's mom always told him eyes couldn't lie. And Jean's eyes tried very hard. He looked pained. No, not pained but guarded. As if he was calculating his and everyone around him's next step. As if he was already thinking of alibi's and cover ups for murdering someone who found out a little bit to much. Jeremy made a mental note to change that expression.   
-  
It are days like this that Jeremy just wants to crawl in his bed, put his music as loud as possible, and disappear. Music has always been his option. Music and Exy. The only two things that keep him going. Sometimes he'll just put on some soft music to relax and other days he'll put his music as loud as possible and even louder, so that he couldn't hear his own thoughts. So that he couldn't hear how his mind told himself that he is the worst, that he is not worth living. Today is such a day. 

-

He fucked up with Jean, he's sure. Jean hasn't talked to him, and when they came to the dorm, went straight to their shared bedroom and locked himself there. Jeremy knows that it's probably just still in his Raven-system to not socialize, but he can't help him for blaming himself. Jean stayed in their room for the next few days, only coming out to eat and once to give Jeremy his pillow and blanket. 

The girls were out of town, celebrating the end of the schoolyear with Laila's parents, so that Jean could get used to one hyper-active Trojan at a time. On the sixth day after Jean locked himself in their room, he walked up to Jeremy and demanded they go to the court. Jeremy, who was worrying more than healthy about Jean, obliged happily. They did some drills, and Jeremy stopped earlier than Jean in favor of keeping his arm working. When Jeremy came back from the shower, Jean was already starting his warm-down so Jeremy sat down on the bench while he watched the former Raven run. There was something odd about the way he ran. After a while Jeremy noticed that it was the same emotion that Jeremy had seen in Jean's eyes, that he was seeing. Only now he expressed it while running. 

That evening, Jean ate with Jeremy in the living room, and Jeremy was more than happy to talk for two. Maybe he did not fuck up.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who can spot my Brooklyn 99reference?  
> Pas possible d'entendre= impossible to hear

When Jeremy went to the locker room to go change, after Jean's first time on the Trojan court, it started. Jean slowed to warm-down and there it was. A melody as soft as possible, barely... pas possible de l'èntendre... shit what is that in english... it was a melody sang by a voice Jean had heard over a thousand times. It was a melody used to lure little kids to sleep when they had a bad day. It was a melody that made Bach and Mozart applaud. It was a melody, like any others, but sang by that same, old angelic voice. He ignored it.

-

 That evening, he decided he was feeling good enough to eat with Jeremy in the living room, but still locked himself alone in their room afterwards.  
When he woke up, Jeremy was gone and Jean found a note on the fridge. "Hi Jean! Goodmorning! I'm out bc I went for a run, hope you don't mind? I'll be back by 11, see ya! PS: those keys on the table are yours. They're color coded; Yellow and Black one is for our suite, Pastel Blue one is for the Gym and Red and Gold is for the court!" And then a really bad winky face.

He folded the paper and put it in his backpocket. His first thought was:" Shit shit shit, I'm alone." Then he told himself to "grow a fucking spine Moreau!" And turned around and admired the room. He hadn't done that yet because he had stayed in his room, but now that he looked around the room, he noticed a lot. There was a red couch and a few stools in a half-(sorta)-circle, and a lot of Trojan-stuff on the walls, but once again his gaze lingered on the window. It was a window taller than Jean was himself and it overlooked the campus. He could see the sky, as blue as it had never been, and that combined with the sun, it made him think back to Marseille. How he had adored the sky there. He could look for hours at the sky and never get bored of it. His best friend at the time, Louka Roux he remembered, would complain about waisting their time, but would never hesitate to sit next to him and enjoy. Seeing the sky like this, made him think of how happy he had been. A child who's greatest worries were if he would be able to convince his parents to go to sleep half an hour later, a child who's biggest lie was about eating 2 cookies instead of 1. It made him think about all the happiness he ever felt, made him think about that little spark of hope that was lighted by one of the foxes' goalkeeper.  
He hated it. Happiness meant smiling meant feeling good meant caring meant giving Riko even more to destroy. But he couldn't help but smile, thinking that maybe, maybe for just this second, Riko is dead.

-

When Jeremy finally came home, Jean was reading one of his books. How he used to love books. He could spend hours at a time, just reading. He only owned one book now, the one Kevin gave him, when he first got out of the nest. To his surprise, it wasn't about exy, but about the history of Marseille. Kevin probably just gave him one of his thousand history books, but it did Jean well to read about his 'home'.

Jean was so invested in his book that he didn't notice Jeremy sneaking up on him, so when Jeremy did talk, Jean wasted zero seconds in turning around and almost breaking Jeremy's arm. Jeremy immediately started apologizing:" I'm so sorry, sorry Jean, I thought you heard me, you okay, I'm so sorry..." and only stopped when Jean noticed he was still almost breaking his arm and released him, only to start again afterwards:" sorry sorry sorry, I won't do it again, it was a bad idea and I'm so sorry and I know I shouldn't have done that and-" "Jeremy. Stop. Talking." "Right, right, good idea, cool cool cool cool cool, no doubt no doubt, co-" "Jeremy." Jeremy seemed to understand that he needed to shut up and went to take a shower. He motioned whit his hands that he was going to take a shower, but it his motions were so weird that only when Jean heard the shower running, he got it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> Panic attack, very low self esteem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a slightly shorter chapter, but I didn't want to hurt my baby to much. Btw, I also wrote two other fics, pls go check them out.  
> Bon= so

Jeremy Knox was always referred to as 'the sun' 'captain sunshine' 'the Trojans sun' and even 'that one sunny dude', but he never understood why. He knew that he was always happy. Or that everyone thought that. But he didn't see a sun, when he looked in the mirror. He didn't see a sun when he saw the pictures everyone tagged him in. In that mirror, he saw a failure. In those pictures, he saw a mistake. Never a sun. Never something shiny. He didn't believe in the concept of 'being a sun' until he met Jean. He looked at Jean and saw a sky full of stars. He looked at Jean and saw a campfire in the middle of the night. He looked at Jean and saw a perfect human being, who all his life was told he was imperfect. He looked at Jean and saw something worth fixing. Jeremy told himself he was a mistake, beyond fixing, but Jean, Jean was told so. He didn't know what was worse. But he knew that if the stars existed, the sun must too. Plus, he lives in California, how can there NOT be sun?

-

After his shower, Jeremy walked into the living room, only to find it empty. This didn't seem off, because Jean holed himself up in their room quite often, but the heavy breathing that came from behind a closed door to his right, did. Jeremy tried to open the door, and to his surprise, found it unlocked. He quickly closed the door and started talking:" Jean, you in there? Are you alright? If this is about earlier, I swear it was an accident and you didn't hurt me." Even though Jean had somehow managed to cut him pretty deeply on his wrist and Jeremy was sure it was going to scar. Jean didn't answer, but somehow Jeremy knew that he should keep talking. So he sat down, back to the door, and started talking. He told Jean everything that came to his mind:" You know, Kevin is a pretty good player. And he and Thea are made for eachother. Did he talk a lot about Thea at the nest? Also, I have the feeling he likes the Trojans more than he loves himself. Did I tell you about the night we went out with the foxes? It was so funny..." he went on and on, and little did he know Jean fell asleep, calm and feeling good for the first time in... in forever... 

When Jeremy was out of talk he just started singing softly. "Stop. Stop. Stop!" Jean yelled all of sudden. Jeremy stopped immediately. "Just... I'm going to take a shower... Do-don't leave..." Jeremy got up and opened the door. "Of course! I don't have anywhere else to go to. Well, I think the girls are coming home today but that's okay, I do not think they have arrived yet. Omg! Is that okay with you? I was so busy I forgot to ask you! I can tell them to leave ag-" "Jeremy." "Yeah, right, to much talking. I'll stay."

(I MADE A MISTAKE AND FORGOT TO UPLOAD THIS IMPORTANT CHAPTER, SO HEREARE TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE)

 _This is not right. This is a mistake. This is wrong. You misheard._ Jean had just had a mental breakdown, he couldn't handle this. _No. This is not good. Why me?_ He rushed into the shower and stood there for a good 10 minutes. _This can't be right. You misheard. Stop being so pathetic and wishing for something nice in your life. You won't get it after all. Stop. No, why? Are you hurt? Awh does little Jean still have a heart? Stop it. You know you won't get it anyway, even if you do, you'll fuck it up like you do with everything. Stop it. Stop it!_ "STOP IT!"

Jean slid down the shower, and just sat there. That morning he woke up to something horrible. He woke up to Jeremy singing. Not that that's horrible, Jeremy could sing pretty well. The problem was his voice. That cursed voice that always seemed to know he was about to cut himself and helped him out of it. That cursed voice that came when Riko was in a bad mood. That cursed voice that pointed out he was someone else's problem. Burden. Dead sentence. And that voice apparently belonged to the most pure person to walk the earth. Jeremy Knox. _Nononononono this is not happening, he doesn't deserve this. He doesn't. I don't want to break him. To late Dickhead, you made him feel like shit in there, running off without context. Who do you think you are? Some sort of president who can do whatever he wants? Well, you are! The president of the 'Raven's backliner number 3 Riko Moriyama's toy'. You wanna know how many participants? Take a guess. One, you! No stop. He is dead. I am Jean Moreau, and I am a backliner with the Trojans, number 26. My best friend is... Renee Walker? Kevin Day? Bon... I come from Marseille, I lived there for 10 Years. I am NOT a Raven anymore. Yeah, whatever bullshit helps you sleep at night._

-

When Jean finally got out of the shower, Jeremy was still there. He had waited. For Jean. He cleared his head and figured he owed Jeremy an apology. _Hi Jeremy, yeah, sorry for being myself. Because I am a dick who only thinks about himself. Oh yeah, by the way, you can't sing for shit. Now, I am going to stay here and ignore you the rest of the day because I am some piece of ungrateful shi- ENOUGH! Stop it for gods sake!_ Not trusting his mouth, Jean wrote down an apology and shoved it in Jeremy's hands.

Jeremy read:"  
Dear Captain,  
I am sorry for running out earlier. It wasn't your fault. You shouldn't stay up with me. It's my fault I had a panic attack and I need to handle it all by myself. Sorry for keeping you up all night. Next time you will have a normal night rest.  
Sincerely,  
Your new backliner, Jean Moreau.

Jeremy looked up, but Jean was already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently it's normal to leave your tumblr or so so  
> Insta: @fandomsmixedup  
> Tumblr: the-foxes-own-kween


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the non-french speakers:  
> Me ne lesse pas tout seul stp= pls don't leave me alone  
> Je ne sais plus comment être tout seul= I don't know how to be alone anymore  
> Also I probs made a mistake, I ain't no god. Also Jeremy doesn't know french so he doesn't understand this. (This is also special for jean bc he never speaks french to anyone)

While reading Jean's note, Jeremy could only think of one thing. Dear Captain. Jean thought of Jeremy like he thought of Riko. Someone he cannot be himself with. Someone to fear, to hide from. And especially not a friend. Jeremy was definitely going to change that. He wrote down his to-do list.

Jean's special to-do list:  
-Make him feel save  
-Befriend him  
-...

-

When Jean still hadn't come out of their room, Jeremy went to investigate. It was obvious Jean didn't want to talk, so he took two notepads with him. He placed one in front of the door, and wrote on the other:  
"Hey, I have the feeling you do not want to talk rn, so I thought, y not write? I'm leaving a notepad and a pen out side the door and will leave for five minutes. Ok?" He tore of the paper and pushed it under the door.

Jean was sitting against the door, looking at the window, wondering what it would be like to be able to look outside and feel free. Wondering if he'd ever be completely free. All of sudden, a little piece of paper appeared in the corner of his eyes. He read it, and read it again, and again and again and he didn't understand why Jeremy would do that. He quickly stood up and took the notepad inside the room. He sat down and wrote:  
"Jeremy Knox,  
Okay. What do you desire to 'talk' about?  
Jean Moreau."  
Actually, Jean did not do it on purpose. He didn't write like that when he's texting Renee. He wrote like that when he was texting Riko, few times as it may be.  
He shoved the paper through the door.

Jeremy came back and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding when the notepad was replaced with a single note. He quickly wrote back:  
"Look, Jean, I'm here for you. You don't have to apologize for freaking out about something, you don't have to handle it all alone. You don't have to call me 'Captain Jeremy Knox' (haha, cap or jeremy or Jerms or Knox or any other thing will do) You are also not a Raven anymore, you are a Trojan, backliner number 29. Pls don't shut me out. I am here for you, we all are.   
Ps: fun fact. (You'll get these a lot) I once took a class about glueing on a dare.  
Cap (haha)"  
He took a deep breath and shoved it under. The response took so long, Jeremy thought maybe Jean climbed out the window. When it finally came, it was this:"  
Captain Jeremy Knox," Jeremy sighed," I... I know this. Being a Raven isn't something you can forget in a day. Please excuse me. Also... me ne lesse pas tout seul stp... je ne sais plus comment être tout seul...  
Jean Moreau, backliner, number 3 29."  
Jeremy smiled a bit to himself. Yes, this was definitely the distraction he needed. Jean moreau was torn into pieces, but luckily he once did a class about glueing stuff together.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... the french is all translated, but there may be mistakes, I'm not a pro. Also I (am gonna base/) based Jean's bad days on my owns so it may be different from yours, pls don't feel offended!  
> Warnings: mention of self harm (not much) Riko (he needs a warning, also not much)  
> Mostly a happy chapter cause my baby deserves good things (am I talking about Jean, Jeremy or any other fox? You shall never know)

When the last two people who lived in his dorm, Sarah Alvarez and Laila Dermott Jean remembered, came, Jeremy became even more... more Jeremy. If that's possible. He was laughing and making jokes over EVERYTHING. Jean's meet didn't went that well. It was something like this:  
Sarah:" Hi! I am Sarah Alvarez en this babe is Laila Dermott. As a fellow backliner, I am soooooooooo happy to play with THE Jean Moreau!"  
Jean: *stares without shaking the extended hand*  
Sarah:" So, did you and Jeremy enjoy yourselves?"  
Jean: *still staring at the hand*  
Jean:" no."  
Jean: *goes back inside*

-

The girls tried to get to know him and talk to him, and after a while he noticed he had been letting his guard down a bit. He hated it. Or he didn't. He wasn't sure. Back in the nest. He was forced to hate to let his guard down. Because that meant weakness, meant you were being taken advantage of.

He had been at USC for almost a month now, 2 weeks with Jeremy and 1 and a half with the girls. Jean still hadn't really opened up to Jeremy about what happened that one day, but he was learning to trust him. Even if he did it unconsciously.

The notes kept going. His roommates quickly learned that there were good days, on wich Jean could talk, could play a game with them, could let Riko fall away for a second. And then there were bad days. Days were Jean couldn't talk, couldn't socialize. Days were Riko whispered in his ear. _Why are you here? Go back to the nest. Where you belong. Just you wait, I'll take it all away. Those marks on your arms, they show how weak you really are..._

Those days, nobody talked. They wrote. Everything. Jeremy had bought almost a hundred notepads, and had divided them. So all Jean had to do was show up with a pen in his hand, and all the spoken conversations died. Jean thought he could appreciate the effort. He wasn't sure.

It had became easier to eat with them. To talk french around them. He didn't teach them because those were his moments. The moments where he was back in Marseille, on the beach, with Louka, pretending that their parents weren't so bad (Louka his dad tried to kill his mom and had become super depressed, and his mom suffered from severe psychosis). When his 3rd week at USC started, Jean let Jeremy sleep in his bed again. That conversation also didn't went well:  
Jean: *standing in front of Jeremy, just staring*  
Jeremy: *after 5minutes of silence* "Is there anything you wanna tell me, Jean?"  
Jean: *trusting a key in Jeremy's face* " sleep in your bed."  
Jeremy:" owh, okay!"  
Jeremy: *yelling after Jean* "Thank you!"

-

Jeremy was... nice. He kept on giving random facts about himself, and it actually helped Jean. After a while Jean started saying facts back. Little things that everyone could know, like his favorite vegetable (eggplant), his best friend in Marseille, his school in Marseille (Marthe-Dupyron) ... they weren't much, but Jeremy treasured them. It was okay. They avoided the Ravens all together, but that was also okay.

Then the text came. Kevin had send him a text, the night before USC began and all the athletes came back.  
**Kevin:" Good luck tomorrow... say hi to Jeremy."**  
**Jean:" Ok."**  
It wasn't much, but Jean couldn't get it out of his head. He had been to busy with the first four Trojans and the, his he corrected himself, team that was coming, that he had forgotten about Kevin. He didn't know if he wanted to stay friends with Kevin. But then again, Jean wasn't sure about a lot of things these days.

-

He was woken up the sound of a phone. It was probably Jeremy's, but something told him it was his. He checked his phone and saw that he had a message.  
**Unknown:" Bonjour, est-ce que je parle avec Jean Moreau?" (Hello, am I talking to Jean Moreau?)**  
Jean had to blink a few times. What kind of fan was weird enough to talk to Jean in french? Plus, how did this person get Jean's number?  
**Jean:" Oui. Je te connais? Comment tu as mon numéro?" (Yes, do I know you? How did you get my number?)**

Something told Jean that it was just a friend of Riko (if he had those), trying to fuck him up.  
A response.  
**Unknown:" Ah, oui, je suis Louka." (Ah, yes, I'm Louka.)** Again, Jean blinked slowly at his phone. A french Louka.  
**Unknown:" Louka Roux."** Jean was going crazy. No other way to explain this.  
**Jean:" Ok. Comment tu as mon numéro?" (Ok. How did you get my number?)** Jean was thinking, how could Louka possibly have his number? Did someone leak it on the internet? Did Renee-  
**Unknown:" Quelq'un m'as donné, il disait que c'etait un amie de toi." (Someone gave it to me, he said he was a friend of yours.)** He? But that meant th-  
**Unknown:" Son nom est Jeremy? Jeremy Knox? Tu le connais?" (His name is Jeremy? Jeremy knox? Do you know him?)** Jup, who else could it be? Of course his soulmate had to be extra sweet, meaning Jean couldn't have it. It would ruin him. But why? Why did Jeremy go through all the effort of finding Louka?  
**Jean:" Oui, je le connais." (Yes, I know him.)**

 **Unknown (Jean was about to change the name):" Donc, çava? Tfk?" (So, how are you? What are you doing?)**  
**Jean:" Je viens de me reveillé" (I just woke up)** jean tried to ignore the "how are you?" Because he honestly couldn't answer.  
**Louka:" Mais, I'll fait déjà noir!" (But it's already dark!)**  
**Jean:" Pas en SoCal." (Not in SoCal)**  
**Louka:" Ah oui! Tu habite en Socal (? Les Étas Uni?)! Tu joue pas du foot ou un sport comme ça?" (Ah yes! You live in SoCal (? The** **United States?) Don't you play soccer or something like that?"** Jean had to show that to Kevin, he would have a heart attack. Actually, when would be a better to talk to Kevin? He decided to text Kevin a screenshot.

**Jean:" Pas vraiment, je joue Exy. Attend, tu savais pas? Tu connais Kevin Day?" (Not really, I play Exy. Wait, you didn't know? Do you know Kevin Day?")**  
**Louka:" Non, c qui?" (No, who's that?)**  
**Jean:" Be glad. C'est un jouer d'Exy très célébré." (Be glad. It's a famous Exy player.)**  
**Louka:" Je dois y aller, I'll est déjà 12 h le soir. Bye!" (Got to go, it's already 12 pm. Bye!)**  
**Jean:" Bye."**

Jean honestly didn't know what just happened. He did know that today was gonna be shit. 

*5 minutes later*

**Jean:" T'es un little shit! On a joue Exy ensemble quand on était petit!" (You are a little shit! We played Exy together when we were little!)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter is gonna be Jean again (prob) and angsty (also prob)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jup this was definitely a bad day.

_Yeah, this is definitely not a good day._ For Jeremy, it was supposed to be. His friends came back today, and real practise would start again. The occasional practise with Jean was cool, but usually Jean trained alone. But Jeremy was not allowed to leave the stadium. So while Jean was training, Jeremy was learning French on Duolingo. _God how I want to hate that bird._ But it wasn't. For neither of them.

Jeremy woke up to faint crying and a empty bed in the room. Normally, when Jean was having nightmares, he preferred Jeremy to ‘fuck off, I can handle it myself.’’ , but Jeremy never, never, heard Jean cry. He walked to the bathroom they shared, and knocked on the door.  _Why bother? He's probably crying because you exist. I know you have noticed that he ignores you as much as possible. Why would he not? Because you are broken and don't deserve friends. It's not as if the team are your friends. They are your team, you are their captain_ _, of course they are nice to you. And Kevin? Kevin is just a huge fan because you can do one thing right. You have no friends, stop trying. No. No you stop. I have friends. They like me. Stop it._ He knocked again. The crying had stopped. “What?”, a voice snarled from the inside. “are you okay?”, Jeremy asked, carefully. He heard a knife drop on the floor and got no response. “Jean, I'm coming in”, he warned before opening the door.

He gasped. In front of him, Jean was sitting on the ground, his normally white face, red and tearstained. His normally pale arm, covered in scars that could only be self-harm, some old, some new. Everything that made him the Jean Jeremy knew, was gone. Instead of a emotionless blank robot, there was pain and hate written all over him. Jeremy felt his heart break. He tried to speak, saw a pen and notebook sitting on the toilet, and knew not to say anything. Instead, he wrote. He wanted to write so many things, but in the end, all Jean read was “Why?”.

Jean took the notepad and pen and wrote. He wrote and scratched and wrote and scratched, till he finally found the right words. Jeremy read the note that was passed to him.

“please excuse me. I wanted to write how it's not your business, or how I can take care of it myself, but I came to the conclusion that maybe I can't. The Ravens… they were hard on me. On everyone. I never learned how to be friends, Kevin excluded (can you really call it a friendship?) So when I arrived here and you were so friendly and so keen on being my friend, I freaked out. I pushed you away. I shouldn't have. I pushed myself to hard, I am still waiting for the other shoe to fall, for Riko to come around the corner and kill you all. He… he gets in my head sometimes. He convinces me I should return, that I should be punished. He convinces me… to punish myself… I have a long way to go, and today (in a few hours) everyone will arrive and I am afraid that it will be to much on me and that I will push them away like I did with you, and that you will finally understand that I am no good for your team and sent me back. I… will you still help me get better?”

If Jeremy his heart wasn't broken already, he would be sure it was now. He quickly wrote back:

“Jean Moreau, There wasn't a moment since you arrived here, that I thought about sending you back. You know you have the right to recover normally, right? You don't have to excuse you for pushing me out, it's alright. Riko… was a bitch. To say it nicely. I will never NOT help you or be there for you. (Because I'm Jeremy fricking Knox, I'm always nice ;) also, to be honest, you are helping me a whole lot too. I…-” owh screw this, it was a bad day, and Jean just opened up, he should too,”- I am broken. I don't have a soulmate and you are actually showing me how I could ‘'fix’ myself. Few people know this, but I have severe anxiety and I also have bad days. Ever since I was little, I am surrounded by friends and family, going on and on about their soulmates. In the beginning, I thought maybe my soulmate didn't sing. But I have never witnessed someone who doesn't sing. I mean, I even hear you hum every now and then. So I was depressed. I poured my heart and soul into exy. Then there was one night. December sixth 2008, my sixteenth birthday. I decided that it wasn't possible for someone to not sing and this happened (look up from reading and look at me). I regret it greatly, but it shows what I have overcome. I couldn't have done it without Laila and Alvarez. You also deserve someone to help you through it, and I will always, always, stand by your side.” When Jean looked up at the end of the note, Jeremy simply rolled up his right sleeve. On his arm, there was a single scar, similar to the dozen of ones that painted Jean's arms. Self-inflicted scars.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean finds out about Disney.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so fricking proud. I wrote a 1000 words chapter. And it's a happy one too!

Jean hated himself. And life. No secret there. But now he also hated Jeremy Knox. Jeremy Knox with his amazing personality. Jeremy Knox with all those books he bought for Jean once he found out Jean likes reading. Jeremy Knox who made the Trojans come in a day later because Jean was having a bad day. Jeremy Knox. 

After Jeremy had found Jean, crying and bleeding, on the bathroom floor at 3 AM, he did not hesitate one second to wake up the girls, demand they went out and bought snacks, called the other Trojans and tell them to come in a day later, and dump Jean in front of the TV with twenty blankets. Once the girls came back with the snacks, he asked them to give them some privacy, and they happily obliged. 

Jeremy turned to Jean, who was sitting on one side of the couch, looking frightened. He handed him a paper. Jean read:  
“Hey, you alright? What you wanna watch?”  
Jean accepted the pen Jeremy gave him and wrote back:  
“IDK, what do you suggest?”  
Jeremy quickly answered:  
“Whenever I'm having a bad day, I like to watch Disney or something stupid.”  
Jean gave Jeremy a puzzled look. He wrote:  
“Disney? I can vaguely remember something with that name, but I don't know what it is, I guess I'd like to try?”

When Jeremy was reading his answer, jean heard him take a deep breath and whisper to himself:”Not his fault, not his fault.” He then looked up to Jean and nodded. He got up and said:”First off, you don't have to answer this. Secondly, we are gonna do a Disney marathon. It's obligatory if you want to heal. Also I talk a lot during films, it's okay if you don't respond.” Jean just nodded. He noticed that Jeremy wasn't having a good day either. His ever present, blinding smile was fading with the second. Jean wondered if it was his fault. Of course it is, you idiot. You are infecting him. 

Jean took a deep breath. Why was he so fucked up. What did he do in his past live to deserve this? Talking with Jeremy was… comparable with Riko on a good day. It was not so bad, it was something he was grateful for. But it hurt. It hurt to talk to Jeremy, to see how pure he still was. It hurt to think about how Jeremy got stuck with him. It hurt to think that it was better to never tell Jeremy and to let him think that he was broken, than tell him and ruin his life. It hurt to see a literal angel, with a smile to blind, eyes to seduce, a mouth to bless, and know that he was the poison that was going to kill him. How he wanted to be with Jeremy, how he hated him for it. 

And so they watched movies. Jean found out that Disney films where animated films about things that could never happen in real life. And that they were practically songs. Every five seconds someone started singing. Jeremy seemed to know every song by heart, and it hurt Jean to hear him sing. But he didn't want to stop him, not after everything he did for Jean today. 

Jean his favorite film was Bambi. He also lost his parents, and was hunted. The only difference was that Bambi got a ‘happily ever after’. He also liked Hercules but that was because, after being ‘friends’ with Kevin too long, he also got into history, and the ancient Greeks were his favorite part of history. He remembered the text Kevin had send him and picked up his phone. He typed out a quick ‘hey’ and then turned his eyes back to the movie, Pocahontas. 

He had trouble concentrating, only because when angels are singing too you, you listen. It was a fact that Jeremy had an amazing singing voice. It was the voice that had rescued him countless times. That gave him something to hold onto, not for the idea of a soulmate, but because those little seconds he got to listen to that voice, were the seconds where that voice reassured him that maybe things could become better. 

After 4 movies, Jean asks Jeremy if the girls can come too because he guesses they are his friends and he wants them to know he feels at ease, as much as he can feel at ease, around them. Jeremy just flashes him one of those smiles that make Jean's chest go ‘buddum buddum’ and calls them. Less than a minute later, both girls emerge from their room, and join them on the couch. They both give Jean a smile that, if he didn't know better, was brighter than Jeremy's. 

A while in the fifth movie, a text buzzed in.  
Kevin:” Hey, you okay?”  
Jean:” I forgot to answer you.”  
Kevin luckily understood the subtle ‘I can't really answer that, new topic please’.  
Kevin:” it's alright. How's Jeremy?”  
Jean:” He's nice. I wanted to tell you my new number.”   
Jeremy had revealed it to him yesterday. In the background, a middle-aged woman was singing about a word bigger than Jean himself, and he wasn't the smallest in the room. Something called ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidosios’.  
Jean:” It's number 29.”  
Kevin:” This may be a bit weird but, as in 2 and 9?”   
Jean:” Oui. Toi et Renee.” (yes, you and Renee)  
Kevin:” Je suis brèvéré. Je peux le dire à Renee?” (I am honored. Can I tell Renee?)  
Kevin seemed to understand that it would be easier for Jean to talk French. God bless him for that.  
Jean:” Oui, si tu peux. Merci Kevin.” (Yes, if you can. Thanks Kevin)  
It was still weird for Jean to be able to choose stuff. To get a choice.  
Kevin:” De rien.”   
Kevin:” J'y vais, bye.” (I'm gonna go, bye.”  
Jean:” Au revoir. (See you later, here ‘bye’)  
In the background, the movie ended happily ever after. And maybe Jean his ‘die or get killed’ future started to transform into a ‘flee or get killed’ future, where he has a choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like it says in my tags: Kevin and Jean are friends fuck you. And for some reason Kevin knows Jean very well. Later on I'll write about their friendship, but that's for later.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Important

**!!!! I FORGOT TO UPLOAD A CHAPTER (chapter 8) SO I PUT IT TOGETHER WITH THE OLD CHAPTER 8. IT'S A CRITICAL CHAPTER SO PLS GO READ IT!!!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry for taking so damn long to update, I am kinda in a writersblock and I just had a hard time. I hope updates will become more frequent again!

Who started it, Jeremy didn't know. Ever after Jean opened up to him that one night, he stuck to Jeremy as glue. Or Jeremy stuck to him. Did it matter? 

When Jeremy went to eat with the Trojans, Jean came along. When Jean wanted to go training at midnight, Jeremy was there too. It shouldn't have surprised Jeremy, Kevin had told him Ravens can't function on their own after all. Jeremy was just surprised that it took so long. Maybe Jean didn't feel at ease with Jeremy at first. Maybe he still didn't. Jeremy didn't want to ask him anything, afraid that Jean would do it because his captain asked him, not his friend.

So, when Jeremy was woken up by Johnson because nobody could find Jean, he was shocked. Shocked because Jean wasn't there. Shocked because the girls weren't there either. Shocked because Jean had left. They looked everywhere on campus. They called whoever they could. No one. 

After hours of worrying, and searching and more worrying, Jeremy gave up. He decided to clear his head by going to the court. He walked there in silence. When he arrived, everything was dark. Dark as the night sky. Dark as the curls that sat on top of Jean's head. The kind of dark that's pretty, that gives you the chance to be yourself without judging you. Jeremy noticed that that was exactly the same thing he had thought about Jean the first time he saw him.

He geared up and was about to go get his racket, when he heard a sound coming from the court. He opened the door and saw that some lights were on. In the middle of it all, stood Jean. He seemed to be doing drills. Not Trojan drills though. Raven drills. Jeremy pounded on the door, but Jean didn't quit. He kept on slamming the balls to the same target. He didn't even glance at him. Jeremy approached. The same way you approach a wild animal. An animal of whom you don't know if they will either bite you, griff you, or escape you. He walked, slowly. He closed his eyes and said the name of the black haired boy, no, animal, standing in front of him. This was not the Jean Moreau Jeremy knew. This was not Jean Moreau, number 29, Trojan. No, this was Jean Moreau, number 3, Raven. This is the Jean Moreau Jeremy had met that first day, at LAX. This was the Jean Moreau Jeremy never wanted to see again.

He repeated himself, louder. He yelled everything he could think of. “Jean” “Moreau” “Hey You” “frenchie”. Nothing. No reaction. Then, Jeremy closed his eyes, sighed and said, said, not yelled, two words. The two words he hated the most. Those words that stripped Jean of everything he had become in the last few months. Those two words of whom Jeremy knew Jean would listen to. “Number three”. It was all he had to say. As if petrified, Jean's arm froze mid-air. Jeremy had never hated Riko more than that moment there. Jeremy walked up to him. He stood in front of him. He looked him in the eyes. This, he knew now certainty, was not Jean Moreau. This was Riko, possessing him. This was not someone you should treat as Jean Moreau. He tried anyways.

“Jean? It's me, Jeremy. Jeremy Knox”, he tried, whispering. Jean looked at him, then his eyes shifted to the little space there was between them. Then, quicker than lightning, Jean’s hand struck out. It hit Jeremy right in his chest, and Jeremy fell back. The worst part was the "leave me alone, Riko!" that Jean yelled. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. The glint of fear in Jean's eyes. The realization of the space between them. The decision. He felt the hit harder than it should have. He had crossed a line, which one he didn't know, but that didn't matter. He had crossed one of Jean’s boundaries. He stared up at Jean. Jean was staring back at him. In his eyes, fear and anger showed. “Jean?”, Jeremy tried. Jean was frozen. The blond captain stayed on the ground. He looked up. Frozen. 

Then, in the blink of an eye, it happened. He broke down. There wasn't anything else about him. He wasn't crying. He just… jeremy couldn't explain what had happened. As if, quicker than light, the always lying eyes disappeared and took the whole walls Jean had built up away. He sat down next to Jeremy. He asked Jeremy to sing. Jeremy was frozen. He looked at Jean. Then, slowly and softly, he began to sing. 

And may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows  
And may the road less paved be the road that you follow

Well here's to the hearts that you're gonna break  
Here's to the lives that you're gonna change  
Here's to the infinite possible ways to love you  
I want you to have it  
Here's to the good times we're gonna have  
You don’t need money, you got a free pass  
Here's to the fact that I'll be sad without you  
I want you to have it

They sat like that for hours, Jean first staring at Jeremy, and then closing his eyes, letting Jeremy's soft voice carry all his concerns away. Jeremy kept on singing. After a few hours, they were both laying on the floor, looking up at the stars. Jean liked the stars, Jeremy had noticed. He would always look at them as if they took his breath away. Jeremy had even catched a glance of stars on Jean's background. 

Once Jeremy couldn't think of any songs anymore, he started humming. Jean interrupted him soon after. “There was a letter in the Mailbox for me today”, he paused as if searching for words, “it was a letter from my parents. I have a baby brother”. Jeremy let his words sink in. Jean hadn't talked about his family, but Jeremy was sure this was as much news to Jean as it was to him. Jean waited a minute or two before continuing: “My parents want me to visit. In a few months. They already booked a ticket”. Jeremy stopped. He couldn't decide if Jean was happy or not. He knew that Jean should go. He didn't know if he wanted Jean to go. “That's great, Jean!”, Jeremy exclaimed, all fake confidence. After that, the conversation died. They both fell asleep on the court, both thinking about the other.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two will come bc jean and Kev need to talk and that can't be Jeremy's Pov.  
> Song is "all the kids are depressed" by Jeremy Zucker

_ How long have you been smiling? It seems like it's been too long. _

 

Jean opened his eyes. It was still dark out. He looked at the huge alarm clock Jeremy had bought. It was one of those clocks that projected, in big fat red letters, the time on the wall. He stared. Next to him, on his desk, lay the letter.

 

_ Some days I don't feel like trying. So what the fuck are you on? _

 

Jeremy had insisted that he had bought it for himself, even though Jean had accidentally mentioned the night before that he hated sleeping in the dark. Jean turned and faced Jeremy's bed.

 

_ I want to know, where do we go? When nothing's wrong. _

  
  


He looked at the man in the other bed. How bad was the world that it could dim the sun? What had happened to Jeremy? Was it really the soulmate thing? Or something else? Should he tell him? Jeremy always seemed to do this. Whenever Jean was around his captain, thousands of questions would pop up in his head. Thousands of questions he could not answer. Jean was used to not answering questions. The problem was that this time he wanted to. He wanted to answer them. He wanted to tell Jeremy. He wanted to curse whomever thought they had had the right to hurt him.

 

_ ‘Cause all the kids are depressed, nothing ever makes sense. _

 

He turned around and faced the window. He took his phone. He selected a contact and before he even knew what he was doing, he selected the ‘call’ button. It rang. Once. Twice. On the third call the person answered his call. “What”, said a sleepy, low, raspy voice, “do you want”. It was more of a statement than a question. Good question though. What did he want? More friends. To see the world. Going to France. Laughing. Hoping. Dead. To forget him. What do you want Jean? To forget I ever existed. When Jean stayed quit, the voice on the other side said, this time with a bit more emotion in it: “Jean? Are you alright?”

 

_ I'm not feeling alright. Staying up till sunrise. _

 

“Shit Jean, I'm coming to get you. Pass me Jeremy”, the voice demanded. Jean walked over to Jeremy, and noticed that the man was sitting upright. He silently handed to phone to the blond. Jeremy looked sceptical for a second before realizing who it was. His trademark smile came out and he answered with an easy: “Hey Kevin, what's up?”. Kevin told him something and Jeremy just said: “Alright, if that's what you need. I'll ask him”. He turned to Jean and asked: “Do you mind hanging out with Kevin right now? He isn't feeling alright and would prefer to play exy with you and talk for a bit. He said he can come get you”. Jean nodded, wondering why Kevin didn't tell the truth.

 

_ And hoping shit is okay. Pretending we know things. I don't what happened. My natural reaction is that we're scared. _

 

Jeremy turned and told the man on the phone: “If that's what you need, he agrees. But don't take to long, we all need sleep”. Kevin seemingly said something that satisfied Jeremy, because less than twenty seconds later, he said his goodbyes and hung up. He lifted his eyes to meet Jean's. “are you sure?”, he asked while handing Jean his phone back, “we have a game tomorrow and I want you to feel as good as possible. Especially after… sunday. If there is anything wrong, you call me, okay?”. Jean nodded.

 

He walked out of the room. He had a few hours to kill. He decided to work on his french literature assignment. 

 

_ No I can't really keep lying. _

_ ‘cause I've been scared all along _

 

After half an hour, he gave up. He put his books away and just sat there. He looked at the closed bedroom doors. He looked around the room, seeing all the posters and drawings Jeremy had hung up. This was exactly the kind of place he should not be. This was a place that shouldn't exist. A place where people took you in and took care of you until you felt better. A place where miracles do exist and where you may feel as if you can be safe and where a single smile is enough to make you believe in life and whe-

 

Jean train of thought was stopped when Jeremy entered the room. He tried not to stare. Jeremy was wearing a hoodie that was way too big for him and his boxers. His hair was tousled by sleeping and his face had some adorable wrinkles in it. How could he not care that Jean was sitting right there? 

 

_ Getting sick of sleeping in, _

_ While all my friends are popping pills _

 

Jeremy disappeared in the kitchen and came back with some coffee. He took a chair opposite Jean and sat down. He stirred in his coffee with his spoon. It took him some visible effort to speak his mind. “it's alright to not be fine, you know that right?”, he finally looked up from his coffee, “I told you this before and I will keep repeating it if needed. Jean, I am here for you, the team is here for you, Kevin is here for you, Riko is gone”. Jean didn't know how Jeremy put the puzzle together so fast, but he was right. It wasn't Kevin who was feeling bad. 

 

_ And I don't think that they're wrong _

 

He hummed. Jeremy took something out of his pocket. He stared at it for an eternity. At last he lifted his eyes to meet Jean's. “I… I wanted to give you this since your first day here but I guess I was too afraid to do so. I want you to wear it for me, not your captain, but your friend. It's totally alright if you don't want it though, I mean why would you want something. You know what it's stupid nevermi-” “Jeremy” “- right, right, umh. Here”, he dropped something in front of Jean, “it's… a bracelet. For you. So you can look at it and see that you are a Trojan, number 29”. 

 

Jean stared at the bracelet. It was gold and red. There was a little iron plate that said “JM-29”. He carefully picked it up. He looked at it closer. The letters were carefully written. He turned it around. It was soft and sweet and everything he was not. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw something written on the bottom of the iron plate. “The sun shines within you”. When he looked up, his captain was blushing red. Jean stretched his arm out, wrist up, and handed Jeremy the bracelet. The blond's face lit up and he happily took the bracelet. He bound it around Jean's wrist, careful not to touch his skin. “Jean Moreau, Trojan”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me if you like the music mixed up in it!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin and Jean talk. Emotions are present. Fat free ice cream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God what is this?? An update??? Impossible!!  
> Hiya finally back on track, had a few rough months but I'll try to update more!

When Kevin's text came through, Jean had already put his shoes on. He opened the door and left without a second look. Jeremy had already gone to sleep. 

-

“so…”, Kevin hesitated before shoving a mouthful of fat (and flavor) free ice cream in his mouth,“did something happen?”. Jean followed Kevin and sat down on one of the stands at the Trojan court. He glared at his ice cream as if it singlehandedly killed his family. He sighed. “there was a letter in the mail”, he tried the ice Kevin had picked out for him, “it came all the way from Marseille”. Kevin looked up at that. “your family?”, he asked, discreet as always. 

Jean nodded and handed Kevin his ice. “Awh c'mon you didn't even try it. Here, try mine”. Kevin held a spoonful of ice cream in front of Jean's face, almost shoving it in his mouth. Jean looked at Kevin like he was stupid. Kevin, recognizing that look, answered with a glare and a claim that it was his spoon and that Jean wouldn't give it back. After a long glaring contest, Jean gave up and opened his mouth. He grimaced: “Kevin, there is something really wrong with you”. He then stole Kevin's cup while they continued talking. 

“do you want to talk about the letter?”, Kevin asked after a pause. Jean thought this through and then gave his head a slight shake. “can we just play?”, Jean gestured towards the empty court in front of himself, “for old times sake?”. Kevin looked at him like he lost his mind but Jean was smiling, and it was the first smile Kevin had seen on the man’s lips since years, so he just nodded and agreed: “for old times sake”. 

-

“you fucker!”, Kevin yelled at Jean without any heat in his voice, “This is the third time in five minutes you check me against the wall!”. Jean just shrugged it off and said: “Guess you should play better then”. Kevin glared at him from the place where he was placed on the ground. Jean held out his hand. Kevin glared some more and then finally took it. They played half an hour more before Kevin practically stormed of court because he was hurt.

-

When Jean followed him off, Kevin pulled him aside. They ran up to the top of the stands and sat down there, looking upon their kingdom, the place they ruled together. They both sat in silence for a while before Kevin noticed that Jean was humming a song. He thought about all the stupid songs Thea sang, causing him to know them by heart, and stared at Jean. He sighed and asked: “do you know who it is?”

“what do you mean?”

“the song. I'm not stupid. Have you found out since you left?”

Jean hesitated. He slowly nodded. He looked over at Kevin, wondering when they went from two ice cold fourteen year olds to this mess of twenty-two year olds who talked about soulmates late at night. He swallowed and looked away, but before he could get a word out, Kevin interrupted him: “It's Jeremy, no?” Jean stayed silent, the accusation wandering around in his head. He finally nodded, and if Kevin didn't know better than to observe the Trojan next to him, he would've missed it. Kevin smiled a bit. “I'm glad”, he whispered. 

-  
When they both had showered and Kevin had hung back the spare uniform he had stolen, they both sat down on the sidewalk outside the court. Kevin sighed: “I'm sorry Jean”. Jean, despite knowing what Kevin was talking about, cocked his head and raised an eyebrow. He deserved this at the very least.

Kevin threaded his hands through his black hair and looked away. He took a deep breath and started rambling: “I'm sorry about leaving you behind and then not even coming to get you afterwards. It's… It was an asshole action. I ran away and all I could think of was you and everytime I would hear Josten speak French I would think of you and everytime someone on defense fell on court I would think if you and you don't have to forgive me but I had to apologize. I'm sorry that it took me so long”. 

Jean looked at the boy next to him, and he nodded. He whispered a small thanks. He was still angry at Kevin but that was a fight for another day. He was too exhausted right now. They sat there another twenty minutes, enjoying eachother's presence, and just talked about what was safe in their safe language. This could be okay.  
-  
When Jean was about to step out of the car, Kevin held him back. Jean turned around and looked at the black haired man. Kevin sighed a few times before saying, simple and easy,” I miss spending time with you”. Jean stared at him. He nodded softly and muttered an agreement. Kevin chuckled: “look at us, being all grown up and soft”. Jean got out if the car and waited for Kevin to leave before he answered with a smile: “I'm glad to still be friends you asshole.”


	17. chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this took so long, but my laptop is fixed so now i don't need to write on my phone anymore. anyways thanks to my friend for hurtinh me in the best way possible, cuz it lead to this. this fic is almost done btw, so don't give up on me yet!!!!!!

People… people change when they cry. They let down their guards, they become some vunerable part of their ugly armors, their own ankle of achilles.

 

This was the second time Jeremy saw Jean cry, and it broke his heart. Of course Jeremy didn't like it when other people cried, but Jean- Jean was different, for some strange reason Jeremy couldn't wrap his mind around. 

 

Worst thing was that Jeremy had no idea how he could fix this. He didn’t even know what had happened. he had left for a few hours, because coach needed him, and when he had come back, he had found Jean, curled up in a ball on his bed, shaking.  To say it was a shock would’ve been a lie. Jean was still fragile, and he had been having bad days, a lot of them, lately. Jeremy just wishes it wouldn’t be like this. He wished he could help Jean. Usually, when Jeremy found Jean like this, he would make some hot chocolate, give it to Jean, and he would sit outside the room, giving Jean enough room to breathe, but still being there for him. 

 

Usually, these hours he spent sitting outside their room, would pass by with the help of youtube or instagram or whatsapp, but he couldn’t shake the empty feeling inside this time. He felt… weird, as if Jean suddenly meant more to him. Of course, he had noted how his eyes lingered on the black uneven curls when Jean moved them out of his face, on those grey eyes, that still seemed scared, seemed to try and screamed with a voice long gone hoarse. But slowly, Jean had wriggled himself under Jeremy’s skin, even though Jeremy had sworn of love a long time ago. Love always ended up hurting. Love was a poison that burned you from the inside and that covered your eyes until you couldn’t remember what it was like to even try and see. 

  
  


Jean was… A moon, beautiful and precious and off limits. But also cold and hard and lonely, only reflecting the personalities of the others, having lost himself somewhere in the countless suns surrounding him a long time ago. He seemed miles away, and no matter how hard Jeremy tried to touch him, to talk to him, to get through to him, he couldn’t. 

 

This was bad, was going into the bad direction, he was going to crush and then have his heart be crushed in the progress, when Jean inevitably would find his soulmate, and Jeremy would die alone, mourning the little boy who had hope. 

 

For now that shouldn’t be his focus though. He looked around the room, and found himself smiling softly at the Trojan jersey, slung carelessly over a chair, with the name Jean Moreau written on it, he smiled at the french titles that garnished the books that were worn out on their coffee table, at the sloppy scribbling on their shopping list on the fridge. It were these little things, these little truths, that proved that Jean Moreau was a person. 

  
  


He was shaken back to reality by a body that flopped down on the floor next to him. He stared at the boy next to him, only a ghost of the man he knew. Jeremy offered him a small smile and was rewarded the most beautiful thing ever. 

 

_ “ _ _ Acceptez ma rengaine _

_ Elle veut juste dire "je t'aime" _

_ Soyez sûr, j'en suis fier _

_ J'ai la Corrèze dans le cathéter _

_ D'être avec vous ce soir _

_ J'ai le cœur qui pétille _

_ Mimi, sers-nous à boire _

_ On a les yeux qui brillent _ _ ” _

 

Jean had taken up french again, and thus Jeremy would hear these foreign sounds a lot, but this- this was so much more than the beauty of the french language, who seemed to sing at every occasion, like a songbird in spring, no, this? This was a melody that seemed to come from the darkest dark and finally reached the light. This was hope and this zas a summer breeze in a field of flowers and Jeremy could’ve spent the rest of his life just listening to this. He slowly rested his head against Jean’s shoulder, making sure to give the taller boy the opportunity to pull back, but Jean just let him, and they stayed there, Jean singing and Jeremy wondering if maybe this time, the pain would be worth the risk.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song jean sings is "a nos souvenirs" by trois caffees gourmandes

**Author's Note:**

> This was shit, but I warned you! The world needs more of my babies.


End file.
